What Are You Doing?
by aejaycee
Summary: Her smile was everything that she was, all wrapped up into one: mischievous and chapped and wild and beautiful and crooked and triumphant and smart. Her face said "We did it". He leaned in. (Blackinnon. The story of their first kiss and the close-misses that paved the way.)


**It was well past midnight** in the library, and getting dimmer by the moment, but she was undeterred. He sat beside her, watching over her shoulder, admiring the concentrated way her quill looped and flew, making notes in the margins, underlining things that sparked her interest. They had come to study together, but she took no notice of him now, knee curled into her chest, long hair spilling onto the pages of the open book before her. She was somewhere else entirely.

Sirius had finished his essay nearly an hour ago, but sat transfixed in the golden lantern light, twirling his quill absently between his fingers, watching her work.

"McKinnon?" he tried, more quietly than he ought to have; truth be told, he didn't really want to shake her from the trance she was in.

"Mmh," Marlene made no other sound besides this, didn't even lift her eyes from the page. This confirmed it then- she was on her own planet.

He knew what it was like, to be where she was. They were cut from the same cloth- so clever, so unbearably clever, but also so lazy. More apt to seek out life, find things to entertain themselves in passing, get their adrenaline up. There was a time for books, a separate time, and that's where she was now.

She went on these tangents from time to time; it was like her untapped brilliance emerged all at once and for hours it was books, theories, all of the work she'd neglected for weeks. It was how she had sailed through school, nights like these. Her hand moved robotically, flipping the pages quickly, drinking in the words. Just watching her was intoxicating.

"I'm done," she said suddenly, dropping her quill to the table as quickly as if she'd been electrocuted. Like a light switch, suddenly off again. Her eyes slipped from focused and fierce to calm and sleepy. It was like the last few hours had never happened; she slammed her book shut and was putting into her bag before he'd even registered her speaking.

"Just like that?" Sirius asked, rubbing his eye and casting a look over to shadowed clock on the wall. It was much later than he'd thought; watching her running at a mile a minute had seemingly been fueling him too, because he was suddenly exhausted.

"Just like that," Marlene confirmed with a small smile; for the first time in over an hour, she turned to look at him. She swept her dark hair behind her ears as she faced him, an ink smudge on the tip of her freckled nose, the dim glow from the lamps flooding her face with a warm light that gave her brown eyes an almost eerie glow.

It was the first time Sirius had ever wanted to kiss Marlene McKinnon.

She gazed up at him, a ball of determination and fierce energy, and he was seeing her differently than ever before: he noticed the curve of her arm to her shoulder to her collarbone, not her speed on the Quidditch pitch or the quality of her cheeky comebacks to McGonagall.

Without thinking about what he was doing, Sirius began to slowly lean in toward the small brunette, drawing his face closer to hers, so close that he could count the freckles on her nose for the first time in his life. And for the first time, for a reason he didn't understand, he wanted to.

Sirius had done this hundreds of times before; kissing girls was a second nature to him. His lean-in was a perfect strategy: a science he'd tested in deserted classrooms, the bars of the village, summers by the sea. In fact, in recent months, the whole thing had become rather mechanical to him. It wasn't exciting anymore, wasn't taboo. Hell, it was barely passing entertainment. He went through the motions of it, doing what he'd become expected to do, for reasons he didn't understand anymore.

But this was different. As he moved toward Marlene at a microscopic pace he felt it: a nervous flipping in his stomach that he'd forgotten he could feel. He had no idea what'd come over him, but one thing was for sure. In that moment, he very much wanted to kiss his best friend.

"What are you doing?" Marlene asked abruptly, shattering both the moment and the unspoken magnetic pull between their faces. Sirius shook his head quickly, clearing his mind of the unfamiliar through that had just been swirling around in his brain.

"You've got ink on your nose," he said automatically, raising his hand to her face quickly, further smudging the black blotch that had been sitting just out of her line of sight. "Merlin, McKinnon, clean yourself up every now and then."

"Oh shut up," Marlene laughed. She rolled her eyes and continued to pack her books away, rubbing absently at the rest of the ink. Sirius joined her in laughing, slinging his bag over his shoulder and standing up, trying to push new thoughts into his brain.

What the hell had gotten into him tonight?

The feeling didn't resurface for months.

* * *

"I need your help," said Sirius, sliding abruptly into the booth next to Marlene. She looked up at him, startled, nearly knocking her mug over.

"I'm a little busy right now," Marlene said slowly, and only then did Sirius lay eyes across the booth, on the tall blonde bloke that she'd been talking to before he crashed into the center of the conversation. "Can it wait until later?"

"Can it ever _wait _until _later?_" said Sirius, clapping a hand to his chest, pretending to be aghast. Truth be told, he didn't have the patience or frame of mind to explain the situation to whichever of Marlene's current beaus was now glaring at him across the table, eyes narrowed into livid slits. How charming; he'd thought he was a priority until Sirius had stumbled in. "You have a duty to perform. You're my best friend,"

"James is your best friend," Marlene said casually, raising an eyebrow at him as she took a long sip from her mug, also paying no mind to her date, who was growing more red-faced by the moment. It was common knowledge that she was always one to pick her friends over her relationships, but for some reason every guy that took her out thought they'd be some sort of exception.

"Marlene, this is a call to battle," Sirius whined, pulling her mug away from her and taking a sip, uninvited much like everything else about his presence that afternoon. "You know how confrontation scares me."

"You're not scared, you're lazy," Marlene retorted, but the corners of her lips turned up into an affectionate smile. She knew they were the same. "You thrive on confrontation."

"Not this time," Sirius insisted, throwing his hands up in surrender. "She's insane, this one. Come on, Marty."

"Don't ever call me Marty," she turned to face him, a scrunched up look of disgust on her face. "Where did you even come up with that nickname?"

"It's not _important,_" Sirius moaned with an eye roll. "What's important is that you're scary, and if Jennings sees me with you she will _leave me alone_."

"I'm not scary," said Marlene, although a smirk crossed her lips for a brief moment, pleased at the prospect.

"If you can't even scare off a fifth year girl when I come to you asking on bended knee, I will be forced to rethink our entire friendship," huffed Sirius dramatically, looking again across the table at Marlene's date, as if he would offer up some support or affirmation. He continued, instead, his even glaring. Sirius ignored him. It was his general policy.

"Fine," Marlene said after a long minute of deliberation, sounding as if she'd come to a solid decision all on her own. She cast nothing more than a fleeting nod toward her lunch partner before she slid out of the booth, following Sirius's lead, and strode out the door. Marlene was just as bored of unsatisfying dates as Sirius was; once they stopped keeping her on her toes, she stopped with the pretense of holding any interest. The pair of them began up the path to the castle together, striding evenly and in-synch with one another. "One of these days you'll actually have to ask me for favors on this bended knee I keep hearing so much about."

"In your dreams, McKi- Fuck!" Sirius cut himself off when he noticed the petite form of Rosalyn Jennings peeling toward them from down the road, taking quick scampering steps in their direction. She cast an irritated look in Marlene's direction and slowed slightly when she recognized the petite brunette in Sirius's company.

For a minute, it seemed as though Sirius's plan would succeed, yet again, without a hitch. But then, slowly but surely, Rosalyn set her jaw into a determined line and began to walk toward the pair again, hands clenched tightly into fists, feet stomping indignantly.

"It didn't work," Sirius said, positively gobsmacked. "How could it not have-"

"Move!" Marlene insisted, grabbing him by the arm and wheeling him in the opposite direction, back toward town. She was nothing if not dedicated to the cause. "Why am I always cleaning up these messes for you?"

"Because you're so good at it," Sirius fired back cheekily, pumping his legs as fast as he could without drawing attention to himself, now pulling Marlene along instead of the other way around. They reached the more crowded area of the street now, and the throngs of people began to camouflage them. Sirius ducked his head low and scanned the street for an escape route.

"Over here!" Marlene said, jerking him by the arm and pulling him at an awkward diagonal angle, back around the post office and to the mouth of a narrow alleyway, cast into dark shadow and contrasting dramatically with the bright, sun-soaked streets.

"We won't both fit-" Sirius began to say with an eye roll.

Marlene, however, riled up by the promise of an adventure, grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him into the narrow space between the buildings, squeezing her own body in behind him so that the two were nearly pressed chest-to-chest in the alley, their backs each flat against the neighboring buildings.

"Don't blow our cover," Marlene hissed, tilting her chin up to look at him.

Her eyes locked into contact with his, and there was that feeling again, as sudden as if he'd been punched in the stomach.

Her eyes looked lighter than usual today, caught and sparkling in a stray ray of amber sunshine. Her hair was a mess; they'd been jogging, it had been windy, a stray lock of it had fallen across her forehead to the wrong side. Her smile was everything that she was, all wrapped up into one: mischievous and chapped and wild and beautiful and crooked and triumphant and smart.

Her face said _We did it._

He leaned in.

"What are you doing?" Marlene asked suddenly, shattering the moment with her confusion, the laughter still dancing across her face. Though it was a tight squeeze, she managed to lift her hand and prod him in the chest with it. "These barely enough room in here without you fidgeting around like a mad man."

"Nail was prodding me in the back," Sirius grunted, shifting to the side obediently and again being left alone to wonder what exactly this terrifying phenomenon was.

* * *

Marlene McKinnon was, by all means, an ugly crier.

She sat on one of the overstuffed couches of the Gryffindor common room, curled up upon the cushions like a cat, head buried deep in the folds of Sirius's robes. The fire flickered violently in the dark room; the two of them were engulfed in either darkness or flickering orange light, shadows dancing around the rest of the room, which was deserted by this time of night.

Sirius had never seen Marlene cry before that evening; it was only shock that prevented him at first, upon seeing her puffy eyes and blotchy face, dripping down with makeup like she was a melted wax figure, from teasing her. That was their general policy for handling embarrassing or delicate situations- address it upfront, drag it into the open, deal with it and knock it out of the way.

But this time was different, he could feel it in his bones. He'd crossed the room and sat beside her, pulling her to rest on his shoulder whether she'd wanted the acknowledgement or not. Things were getting worse in the outside world; coping alone was no longer a healthy option.

So there the two of them sat, a full hour ticking by on the ornate clock by the window, chiming in the arrival of a new day as Marlene sniffled and choked and shook herself hoarse. And then, abruptly as was everything else in her life, she was done.

"Thank you," she muttered quietly, keeping her head buried in the crevice between his arm and chest. He could feel the spot where his shirt was heavier, soaked through, but he didn't care. It was the closest, physically, they'd ever been. She kept her face strategically hidden from view, but he knew she was embarrassed.

It was a long time before Marlene finally coughed and pulled away from him, sliding across the cushions and rubbing her eyes silently. She looked sheepishly up at him, peering through her eyelashes where several tears clung intact.

"Hey, anytime," Sirius said, his eyes crinkling around the edges and shooting her a comforting smirk, playfully punching her on the shoulder.

It happened suddenly, just as it always did: Marlene returned his smile, and it was like getting splashed with cold water.

Marlene looked up at him -a tousled mess of dark hair and swollen eyes- and spread her lips apart, filling his gaze with rows of white teeth and sorrow-bitten lips. He moved on autopilot, and suddenly he was holding her heart shaped face between his calloused hands.

Her expression changed, molded as he moved toward her, but she didn't pull away. Her eyes went wide and doe-like, her lips parted. She was leaning toward him too; almost imperceptibly, but there was a pull. She put a hand on his knee for leverage, and then her face was only inches from his.

A single tear detached itself from the corner of her eye and rolled down her cheek, streaking a path that made Sirius freeze in his tracks. Slowly, he dropped his hands from her cheeks and pulled away.

This wasn't what he wanted. Not like this, when she was vulnerable and broken and leaning on him for support for the first real time. This wasn't really Marlene…but those eyes.

No. He brushed the tear away with his index finger and then dropped his hands into his lap, breaking eye contact.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a sniffle, quietly reaching for him, shrinking into herself. Sirius slowly got to his feet before turning back to her, offering his hands down to her so that she could stand as well.

"You should get to bed," he said with a gruff cough, pulling her into a too-casual hug as if that would diffuse the depth of their moment. "You'll feel better in the morning."

She didn't say anything as she left, taking uncertain steps into the shadows and up the staircase, but he stood there in the common room long after she had gone.

He remained there as the fire started to smolder and die out, staring at the spot where she had disappeared, feeling like he'd missed his only chance.

They never spoke about that night again.

* * *

"I am drunk," slurred Marlene.

Her observation was wholly unnecessary: she was sitting in a heap on the floor of the boys' dormitory, straight Firewhiskey clutched between her tiny hands, threatening to slosh over the edge with every movement she made.

"S'matter?" Sirius mumbled, jerking his head toward her, nearly upsetting his own mug with an elbow. He sat slumped over at the headboard of his bed, a sleepy smirk playing across his face.

"Marlene's drunk, mate," James laughed, ruffling his already-messy hair further, draining the small amount of liquid that remained in his goblet before slamming it back down onto the surface of his bedside table. Lily was curled up beside him, a faceless blur of dark red hair, chest rising and falling evenly. She was down for the count. "What else is new?"

Marlene hiccuped instead of contributing something else to the conversation. For some reason, this sent Sirius into a round of raucous laughter. His face felt warm and heavy as he barked out loud strains of it, gasping to refill his lungs with air. Easily amused was an understatement when it came to putting him and Marlene in a room together.

"Get her out of here," James moaned sleepily, his goblet falling to the wooden floorboards with an earsplitting clatter. "Or I'm never going to get any bloody sleep, am I?"

"Alright," Marlene whined, stumbling to her feet and gripping the bedpost for balance. She swayed precariously from side to side for what seemed like an eternity before she regained her balance. "I'll go and let you get your precious," she let out another mighty hiccup before she could finish speaking, "_Sleep._"

"I don't want you walking alone," said Sirius, so automatically and suddenly that he wasn't sure what'd come over him. He hadn't planned on saying anything of the sort- after all, it was roughly a one minute journey from their side of the tower to the other. Surely she was capable of making the trip, regardless of how much she'd had to drink. But something in him was reluctant to let her go. "Here, Mic, take my bed. I'll sleep on the floor."

Apparently appeased with the arrangement on the condition he'd finally be able to pass out, James sleepily pulled the hangings around his bed. Before Sirius had even sat up, the sound of James's even snores filled the room.

"What are you doing?" Marlene asked, tilting her head to the side, her long hair falling onto the pillow like a waterfall. He had just grabbed his favorite blanket and swung his legs over the edge of the mattress, groggily preparing to find the softest spot of floor. "Stay with me."

"Stay with you?" he asked, amusement playing across his lips. Marlene nodded earnestly, rolling onto the bed next to him, her eyelids already dropping with fatigue. She stretched a hand out, closing her fingers over the front of his shirt, pulling him down to her level.

Sirius collapsed onto his side behind her, landing on the soft curtain of her hair in a cloud of whiskey and the scent of her perfume. A familiar feeling in his stomach resurfaced. This was a bad idea.

"Do I make you nervous?" Marlene teased, noticing the way he stiffened uncomfortably now that they were so close. They'd been careful not to let this happen. They knew, even then, that something was changing.

She looked up at him with those eyes of hers; they were endless planets, deeper and more vast than any star chart he'd ever studied. Marlene smiled and their noses brushed up against each other: hers freckled and his scarred.

"No," he lied, swallowing a heavy lump in his throat. Would this be it then? Would this be the moment when they crossed this line once and for all?

"How about now?" she whispered, pressing her forehead to his. Their lips never touched, but he could feel hers hovering so close by: the stream of steady breathing escaping her, the way he couldn't even focus on her eyes anymore because they were looking so closely into his own.

He didn't know what made him do it. Maybe it was the possibility that he would be crossing some un-crossable threshold. Maybe it was the way she made him feel both wholly in and out of his comfort zone all at the same time. Maybe it was because she was drunk, or maybe it was because he was. Maybe it was divine intervention, but Sirius's next move made no sense.

He pulled away from her for the second time in his life.

He sat up and opened his mouth to say something, anything that would smooth the moment over. Maybe to apologize, maybe to lean back in. But none of that was necessary.

By the time he'd readjusted to the spinning room and turned back to her through the dark air, she was asleep. Miles away, along with the moment.

Biting back a sigh of frustration and confusion -the most painful blend of emotions he'd ever been forced to experience- Sirius gruffly seized one of the pillows from the headboard and found a place on the floor to spend the night, as far away from Marlene McKinnon and her sleepy smile as possible.

* * *

"Stop that!" Marlene shrieked, once again getting hit with a spray of icy water, not raising her tanned hand in time to shield her eyes. In a huff of annoyance, she spat the lake water back at Sirius.

He was bobbing between the glassy ripples and the black depths of the lake, smirking face passing in and out of view as he sank and resurfaced, dark hair clinging to his forehead, beads of water dripping down his nose.

Classes were over for the weekend, and the sun was blazing brighter than it had all year. He'd only been able to stand a few minutes fully clothed, sitting on the grassy bank next to Marlene. It had been no time at all before he'd abandoned his robes and jumped into the icy pool wearing nothing more than his boxers. Marlene still sat on dry land, however, in just her skirt and summer blouse, bare feet dangling into the water where Sirius could swim past and grab them, scaring her just for fun.

"You're such a child," laughed Marlene, shaking her hair out behind her, closing her eyes so that the sunbeams could work magic over her tired eyes.

"Oh, _I'm _a child?!" Sirius retorted, propelling himself out of the water dramatically, paddling over to the edge of the lake so he could bob near Marlene's scraped up knees, looking up at her on her grassy throne. "You're the one that think she's too grown up to come swimming."

"Too grown up," Marlene scoffed, rolling her eyes in the way he'd grown so accustomed to by now. "I just don't feel like splashing around in that muck. Anything could live down there."

"Ah, and anything does," Sirius said mysteriously, sinking down to his chin so that just his lips hovered above the water line. "You never know when something might…_grab you._"

"Don't-" Marlene started to warn him, but it was too late; he seized her around the shins and pulled with all his might, completely losing himself under the water on his crusade to bring her in.

The pair of them choked and thrashed their way to the surface, a pile of intertwined limbs, wet hair, and bubbles released from their lungs when they both started to laugh.

He popped up first, shaking himself dry like a dog, scraping water away from his eyes and allowing the victorious smile on his face to roam free.

Marlene's exit from the black lake was not nearly as graceful. She appeared seconds later, sputtering water out of her mouth, her hair obscuring her face and sticking up at odd angles. She thrashed for a few more seconds, eyes squeezed shut tight to repel the water, until Sirius reached out and grabbed the crook of her elbow for support. At once, her breathing returned to normal as her feet were able to get themselves back into a regular pattern.

She was finally able to open her eyes, widening them with alive laughter that filled her entire face.

She looked at him, and he knew.

Though she had regained her balance, Sirius did not let go of her. There was no tension this time, no delicacy, no game of cat and mouse. He didn't think this time, and therefore he could not ruin the moment. Not this one, not this time.

He snaked his arms around her waist with a sudden ferocity that he hadn't known lived within him. He pulled her close as he sank down through the water, bringing his face to her level.

"What are you-" the end of Marlene's sentence did not exist.

Sirius tilted his chin toward hers. The moment their lips met, the tight feeling that he'd been getting in his stomach every time he was close to her changed. It was like he was pushing past what he thought was the finish line and realizing it was only a threshold. He pressed his mouth to hers, all lake water and chapped skin and gasping for air.

There was an eternity of a horrible second where he thought she would do nothing, would pull away, would laugh in his face. But then he felt her swallow hard, felt her throw her arm around his neck and knot her fingers through his long hair. She was kissing him back.

They were sunburned, they were soaked, and yet it didn't matter.

She was kissing him back, and that was all that mattered in the end.


End file.
